From Performing to Feeling: Moving Beyond Surface-Level Connection in Relationships

Looking Connected vs. Feeling Connected

In many marriages and long-term partnerships, couples find themselves in patterns of disconnection that feel confusing and lonely. They share a home, a life, even laughter at times… but something essential feels missing. Conversations circle around logistics rather than emotions. Affection feels careful. There’s a quiet ache between them, a sense that they’ve become polite roommates instead of partners who truly see each other. They want to repair what feels broken, restore intimacy, and rebuild trust.

But sometimes, in their effort to show that they are “working on it,” partners unknowingly fall into a trap. On the outside, things might look cooperative and calm. Inside, however, fear and self-protection may be guiding the interaction.

This is what I call performative engagement—and it often gets mistaken for real progress.

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What Performative Engagement Looks Like

Performative engagement often looks like connection on the surface but is driven by fear underneath. 

Imagine a couple sitting in counseling. One partner shares a story of conflict, and the other nods along politely, responding with phrases like, “Yes, I understand,” or “I’ll do better.” They may even bring flowers home after a fight or send a thoughtful text the next morning.

These gestures can look healthy, and sometimes they’re a step in the right direction. But in many cases, they come from a place of keeping the peace rather than truly connecting.

Signs of performative engagement include:

• Walking on eggshells to avoid triggering conflict.
• Editing honesty—saying what feels “safe” rather than what’s real.
• Using grand gestures as substitutes for hard conversations.
• Offering quick reassurance like “I’m fine” instead of sharing true feelings.

At first glance, these behaviors may even appear loving. But what drives them is usually not openness—it’s protection.

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Why Protection Takes Over

When a relationship starts to feel shaky or unsafe, our bodies can go into survival mode. According to Polyvagal Theory¹, our nervous system has different settings—like gears in a car. When we feel safe and connected, we’re in what’s called the social engagement system—the part that helps us talk, listen, and connect calmly with others.

But when our brain senses danger, even emotional danger like blame, criticism, or rejection, it can shift into fight, flight, or freeze. That might look like snapping back, shutting down, going quiet, or trying hard to keep the peace. These reactions aren’t signs of weakness—they’re the body’s way of saying, “I don’t feel safe right now.”

Performative engagement is one way this protective response plays out. Putting on a “fixed” or “healed” version of yourself feels safer than risking rejection, criticism, or conflict. Unfortunately, while it may calm things momentarily, it doesn’t rebuild the foundation of trust.

Over time, your partner feels the distance, sensing that something important is missing.

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What Emotional Engagement Looks Like

By contrast, emotional engagement involves leaning into vulnerability, even when it feels uncomfortable. Instead of rehearsed answers or polished gestures, emotional engagement is raw, present, and real.

It can sound like:

• “I feel nervous bringing this up, but I don’t want to keep holding it inside.”
• “I’m scared you don’t trust me yet, and I don’t know how to make that better—but I want to try.”
• “I notice myself pulling back because I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing.”

These statements don’t resolve everything instantly. But they communicate authenticity, creating the possibility for closeness and repair.

“Perfection is not the price of love. Practice is.” — John Gottman³

Trust is cultivated not through flawless performance, but through repeated moments of genuine connection.

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Making the Shift

So how do couples move from performance to emotional presence? It usually begins with small steps:

1. Notice the performance. Pause when you hear yourself giving a “safe” or “right” answer. Ask, Is this what I truly feel?
2. Name your inner state. Even if clumsy, try sharing your real emotion: “I feel guarded,” or “I’m unsure what to say.”
3. Tolerate discomfort. Emotional honesty can feel risky at first. Staying present in the conversation, even with shaky words, is progress. Use self-regulation skills to help you stay present.
4. Use “I” language. Say, “I feel anxious talking about this,” rather than “You make me anxious.” This opens space instead of creating defensiveness.

Over time, these practices help couples shift out of self-protection and into mutual trust. Gottman’s research shows that partners who attune to each other emotionally—especially during conflict—are more likely to repair, rebuild, and grow stronger together.⁴

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Closing Thought

Performative engagement may look like progress, but it keeps couples stuck at surface level. Emotional engagement, though scarier and less polished, is what builds trust, intimacy, and lasting repair.

The goal isn’t to appear perfect—it’s to show up as your real self and let your partner see you there.

That’s where healing begins.

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Need Support Moving Forward?

If you’re struggling in the aftermath of  betrayal, know that you’re not alone. I’ve helped individuals on both sides of infidelity—those betrayed and those who have betrayed—find clarity and healing.

Jeff Wert at Healing Phases Wellness in Reading, PA (Exeter) offers compassionate, integrative support through this deeply personal process.

📞 Schedule a free 15-minute consultation today to see if we’re a good fit. 

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